Of Bruised Reeds April 14, 2006
Posted by C. in Just Me, Struggles.add a comment
It's less than two hours before sunrise. Outside my room I hear the frogs singing their mating calls. The mosque nearby just started a different kind of call, a call to prayer. I should be in bed asleep but I'm not, instead I'm here typing these words which you are reading. Sleep once again eludes me.
I've finally come to the conclusion that I'm suffering from depression. I'm not sure how long it's been going on but it wasn't something that happened just yesterday. I still don't really know what to do about it but I'm talking to people and it helps. I've been here before some two years ago and I didn't talk to anyone about it but God and somehow He pulled me through. But now it's back and I'm not making the same mistake of keeping it all inside. It's even worse this time and I'm glad to have people who are here for me.
I have to agree with Jenny Schroedel in her article on depression. I don't think it's wrong for me to be depressed. I don't think a Christian can be joyful all the time unless it's by the grace of God. We are fallen people living in a fallen world and for some of us we will never be completely rid of our burdens until we get to Heaven. I'm not sure if I agree that Christians shouldn't be depressed. I'm a Christian and I am depressed! I have lots of Christian friends who have had episodes of depression. David wrote some Psalms when he was facing depression. Jeremiah knew lots about it too. God bless His people who have never known depression. But He also says that a bruised reed He will not break and a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish (Isaiah 42:3).
For now, it helps to talk to God and to friends and it helps to write things down like what I'm doing right now. I find it rather ironic though as I'm having some of my most coherent thoughts in what I consider the ungodly hours of the morning. This is maybe the second or third time in the past couple weeks that I have sat here writing or typing in what I normally consider prime sleeping time. Yes, I am not a morning person. Maybe something good can come out of my depression after all. Maybe in all this there is something new for me to learn.
Do not cast me away from Your presence, And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, And uphold me by Your generous Spirit. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, And sinners shall be converted to You. …For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it; You do not delight in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart; These, O God, You will not despise."
~ Psalm 51:1-13, 16-17 (NKJV)
Parents April 12, 2006
Posted by C. in Struggles.add a comment
I have to meet my parents in 3 hours time and I'm having panic attacks thinking about it. It never used to be like this, but lately I've come to dread talking to them. The pressure I'm feeling from them everyday is so intense. I'm almost close to breaking point. There is a tightness in my heart, a shortening of breath, a feeling of constant anxiety.
My family is typically Asian I think. We never talk about anything important. I actually find it difficult to even bring myself to discuss important issues with them. For some reason I fear them, in particular my father. I fear disappointing them, shaming them and letting them down. Being the only child I can't help but feel that all their expectations rest on me and I can't shake the nagging feeling that I just can't live up to them.
Right now, my father is pushing me to do my PhD. To apply for the very same program he applied for 30 years ago and to eventually become a university professor like he was. The thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. While I know many delightful people in academia, somehow I so strongly feel that this isn't the place for me. I cannot stand the thought of facing hundreds of students everyday and trying to teach them technical lessons. I don't want to spend the next 4 years of my life slogging away for a doctorate while everyone around me are building their career, getting married and raising a family.
I wonder has it ever occured to him that I want to be married someday, ideally before I turn 30? I think not.
More and more I want to find out my godly calling and more and more I'm convinced that academia isn't it. I have a lot of admiration for it but personally I have no passion for it. I just don't know how to tell my father that without it being a huge blow to his ego. I know he is just waiting for me to be the next Dr. in the family.
How I wish I could explore a different field of work or way of life. I would love a career in writing or photography, free-lancing perhaps, or working in a Christian NGO, mentoring university students or doing missions work. I dream of being in a team that travels the world, worshiping God, having concerts and worship workshops. I would love to be married and someday have children, raising them in the love of God. But instead I'm doing none of these things. I am stuck and I'm miserable. It's taken me so long to realise what I want that now I fear it's too late to change things. I don't feel engineering is really for me. At most I see it as a way to earn some income for the next few years before I switch to something else.
How do I tell my parents this? The answer is: I can't. I don't know how to. I'm afraid. My heart has been hurt so many times by them that I know nothing more than to cower in a corner and give in to all their wishes. I know they want the best for me, and want me to be happy. But I also know their visions do not coincide with mine. It's so hard for me to make a stand. With anyone else I could do it, but my parents have a way of unnerving me completely and reducing me from a confident young adult to a helpless little girl.
