Further In

When I started this blog I was a much different person. Somehow along the way I lost my enthusiasm for blogging (again) and let my writings drift. Part of my lack of motivation to blog is that I know no one reads what I write. And yet part of me fears to let people in to read what is here in the first place.

So here I am again. Not even sure why I’m resurrecting this blog. But that’s not true. I know why I’m writing. I’m writing because part of me is sad, so sad, and this blog has been a kind of refuge for me to go to when I’d been sad in similar ways in the past.

In exactly 2 weeks I turn 27. I used to dread the thought of being another year older but now I look at it with a strange detachment. It almost seems to be a day like any other day. Which is most certainly a sure sign of age.

Back to being sad. It’s hard to describe it. It’s not the pain of heartbreak which I have unmistakably experienced. Like having a knife plunged into your heart and then slowly, slowly twisted until you feel like you are breaking into a million tiny pieces, each one full of pain. No, this sadness is not like that. It is a heaviness of being, a deep ache that persistently remains. After awhile you think it’s gone but then you realize it’s presence is still there. And with it comes the knowledge that you are alone. Once again, alone.

At this moment my spirit is so weary and tired. The past couple weeks have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Many happy laughable ones, some confusing ones and some just plain frustrating. Yesterday I was in the happiest place I had been in a long time, feeling warmth, comfort, affection matched with a healthy dose of random craziness. For once I felt I could stay in this mood forever because I’d found a place to belong. I could close my eyes and it felt like I was on the threshold of heaven, that I could reach out and glimpse it, touch it and oh, how beautiful it looked. And then today, my boat overturned and I’m left to flounder in the waves as the current takes me further and further away from the happiness I so recently experienced. And I’m left bewildered, hurt and alone with a heart so heavy it threatens to sink me.

And now all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be. I don’t need hearts and flowers for now. Not diamonds or rubies (or ruby colored shoes). I just need conversation and the quiet knowledge that I matter to someone and that someone cares. I need the company and a shoulder to lean on, and a bit of silliness to put a smile on everything.

Yet something in me wonders if I am just a substitute for something better but unattainable. I think I am, I’m almost sure I am and the truth of that hurts. I have so much to say about that and yet I can’t find the words. All I feel like doing is driving head-on into a brick wall. As if replacing emotional hurt with physical hurt would be a better solution.

But what I dread the most is that this is just another experience that will build a wall around my heart, reinforcing the hard shell I create so that the next time around and the time after that won’t hurt so badly. And then when I finally meet the man I’m meant for I will find it too hard to let him in, to trust him and instead keep him emotionally at arm’s length. And that will be a tragedy.

But somehow in the middle of all the chaos and confusion I know my Lord is above all and over all and in all. And although it is hard to do, I need to be still and know that He is God. For through the grain that falls to the ground and dies, God is glorified. And when the blood was shed on the cross for the sins of mankind, God was there. And somehow in my aching, downcast heart, I know God is in control and maybe someday I will look back and give thanks to God for His goodness.