Further In

I'm so afraid to go to sleep. I end up having dreams that make me sad when I wake up. Right now I just do all I can to make myself as exhausted as possible so when I finally do sleep I'm totally out. It doesn't always work though.

I miss my friends terribly. I miss the closeness and the company. Not physically having anyone around is starting to take its toll. I really, really wish I had someone here whose shoulder I could cry on. Someone who could just put their arms around me and let me cry and cry and cry. It's tough having to do it alone. I know God is here and I know He will mend my heart. It's just that having a physical person here would be nice too.

I did not sleep at all last night. I tried to so many times but I kept getting up again. It was either that or stare across my room. At half past 7 I went up to the rooftop to see the sunrise. There wasn't much to see but then I looked in another direction and there was this beautiful lightning storm far enough away that I couldn't hear any thunder. A dawn lightning storm with flashes every few seconds. It was the first time I'd ever seen lightning at dawn and I sure was awed.

My tears have been my food
       day and night,
       while men say to me all day long,
       "Where is your God?"

  These things I remember
       as I pour out my soul:
       how I used to go with the multitude,
       leading the procession to the house of God,
       with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
       among the festive throng.

  Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and my God.      

By day the LORD directs his love,
         at night his song is with me—
 
Psalm 42:3-6, 8 (NIV)