Further In

When I started this blog I was a much different person. Somehow along the way I lost my enthusiasm for blogging (again) and let my writings drift. Part of my lack of motivation to blog is that I know no one reads what I write. And yet part of me fears to let people in to read what is here in the first place.

So here I am again. Not even sure why I’m resurrecting this blog. But that’s not true. I know why I’m writing. I’m writing because part of me is sad, so sad, and this blog has been a kind of refuge for me to go to when I’d been sad in similar ways in the past.

In exactly 2 weeks I turn 27. I used to dread the thought of being another year older but now I look at it with a strange detachment. It almost seems to be a day like any other day. Which is most certainly a sure sign of age.

Back to being sad. It’s hard to describe it. It’s not the pain of heartbreak which I have unmistakably experienced. Like having a knife plunged into your heart and then slowly, slowly twisted until you feel like you are breaking into a million tiny pieces, each one full of pain. No, this sadness is not like that. It is a heaviness of being, a deep ache that persistently remains. After awhile you think it’s gone but then you realize it’s presence is still there. And with it comes the knowledge that you are alone. Once again, alone.

At this moment my spirit is so weary and tired. The past couple weeks have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Many happy laughable ones, some confusing ones and some just plain frustrating. Yesterday I was in the happiest place I had been in a long time, feeling warmth, comfort, affection matched with a healthy dose of random craziness. For once I felt I could stay in this mood forever because I’d found a place to belong. I could close my eyes and it felt like I was on the threshold of heaven, that I could reach out and glimpse it, touch it and oh, how beautiful it looked. And then today, my boat overturned and I’m left to flounder in the waves as the current takes me further and further away from the happiness I so recently experienced. And I’m left bewildered, hurt and alone with a heart so heavy it threatens to sink me.

And now all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be. I don’t need hearts and flowers for now. Not diamonds or rubies (or ruby colored shoes). I just need conversation and the quiet knowledge that I matter to someone and that someone cares. I need the company and a shoulder to lean on, and a bit of silliness to put a smile on everything.

Yet something in me wonders if I am just a substitute for something better but unattainable. I think I am, I’m almost sure I am and the truth of that hurts. I have so much to say about that and yet I can’t find the words. All I feel like doing is driving head-on into a brick wall. As if replacing emotional hurt with physical hurt would be a better solution.

But what I dread the most is that this is just another experience that will build a wall around my heart, reinforcing the hard shell I create so that the next time around and the time after that won’t hurt so badly. And then when I finally meet the man I’m meant for I will find it too hard to let him in, to trust him and instead keep him emotionally at arm’s length. And that will be a tragedy.

But somehow in the middle of all the chaos and confusion I know my Lord is above all and over all and in all. And although it is hard to do, I need to be still and know that He is God. For through the grain that falls to the ground and dies, God is glorified. And when the blood was shed on the cross for the sins of mankind, God was there. And somehow in my aching, downcast heart, I know God is in control and maybe someday I will look back and give thanks to God for His goodness.

I read an article today that really reminded me that I should start praying for a husband again. I used to do that a long time ago but it was always sporadic and in the past year I haven't kept up with it at all.

Sometimes I wonder if I've been through one too many disappointments to the extent that if someone wonderful comes along I'll pass him by because I'll think he's just like all the others. I wonder if I'll pass him by out of fear that things will turn out the way they did in the past. I wonder if I've just been meeting the wrong people. People who take advantage of me, who toy with my feelings, who try to change me into someone I'm not instead of accepting me as I am, who even bring out the very worst in me on a regular basis. Perhaps what scares me the most is that these men seem to be, appear to be and in most people's eyes are, genuine men of God.

Is the fact that we are all fallen beings just an excuse or does it actually count for something?

I just want a man who can love me and whom I can truly love. Who I can count on to protect me and fight for me. Who I can respect and willingly submit to. Someone grounded in the Word, who looks out for my spiritual well-being, whom I can trust to lead our family and who leads just as well in the community. Someone who desires to worship God, not just in song but in words and actions and prayer. Someone whom I won't easily tire of talking to or spending time with. And so long as I find him physically attractive, I could care less what the rest of the world may think.

I don't think my little list of criteria is too demanding. I don't want to settle for less. And I do believe it's better to live alone than to wind up living with someone who just isn't right. I do want to be married and since I have no inclination towards lifetime celibacy I believe it's within God's will for me to be married someday. But I don't want to make the mistake of marrying when there's no love to begin with.

So I need to start praying again. That God will bless and make fruitful the man I am to marry and that He'll bring us together in His good timing. Even moreso I need to trust God for a mate and pray that God will make me someone worth marrying!

I just wonder if somewhere, somewhere he's out there thinking of me and praying for me too.

I'm so afraid to go to sleep. I end up having dreams that make me sad when I wake up. Right now I just do all I can to make myself as exhausted as possible so when I finally do sleep I'm totally out. It doesn't always work though.

I miss my friends terribly. I miss the closeness and the company. Not physically having anyone around is starting to take its toll. I really, really wish I had someone here whose shoulder I could cry on. Someone who could just put their arms around me and let me cry and cry and cry. It's tough having to do it alone. I know God is here and I know He will mend my heart. It's just that having a physical person here would be nice too.

I did not sleep at all last night. I tried to so many times but I kept getting up again. It was either that or stare across my room. At half past 7 I went up to the rooftop to see the sunrise. There wasn't much to see but then I looked in another direction and there was this beautiful lightning storm far enough away that I couldn't hear any thunder. A dawn lightning storm with flashes every few seconds. It was the first time I'd ever seen lightning at dawn and I sure was awed.

My tears have been my food
       day and night,
       while men say to me all day long,
       "Where is your God?"

  These things I remember
       as I pour out my soul:
       how I used to go with the multitude,
       leading the procession to the house of God,
       with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
       among the festive throng.

  Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and my God.      

By day the LORD directs his love,
         at night his song is with me—
 
Psalm 42:3-6, 8 (NIV)